Check this out: ‘116 Amazing Facts for People Who Like Amazing Facts’ – http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/2Vjqec/:kW6KAdu:U@obMCbN
The Letters. The Other Side.
July 11th 2017 10:08AM
in classifications for a couple of days just keep trying to get through to me and write me EVERY DAY for my sanity and yours write letters and send them every day please and write me on this online kiosk as well pump in visits as soon as you get into town. here is my brothers # 813 *** ****.. How is the RV? is everything alright? if necessary stay with RV in mineral or Eatonville with Jenn and just write the crap out of me… Please! baby please!! I miss you like crazy & I Love You. Talk to McPherson.
July 12th 9:48AM
My friend Shawn checked visitation at 8:30pm last night Tues. the 11th to find you. He is a tall and bald white guy that was going to get you a hotel room before he went to his girlfriends house. Were you able to meet him? he is going to put money on my books but, I kinda needed to know you are alright!? I can’t get visits until possibly tomorrow because I’m still unclassified. if not tomorrow hang in until Friday please write via online kiosk and mail use 1012 Mitchell ave I LOVE U!
July 15th 9:56AM
hey, I am now in a dorm and can only recieve visits at 10am to 2pm.. I know! sucks! listen I need you to get a hold of my brother 813) *** **** and tell Karen to speak with my lawyer about getting me on mental court 360-337-7015 I was told it could have me out now. try to gt me a package on washingtonpackages.com tell Jason and Karen about this. You havent been writing the kiosk or by letter? plz babe I dont want to do this by myself! I Luv U! you were able to contact me when u wer at Davids
July 16th 13:41PM
Susie,! WTF! Write me or visit! get a hold of my friend Nick Hull and his girl Erika.. 360)871-**** house and/or 360)519-****cel.. they’re good friends and they have a safe cozy guest house for you to stay in until I get out. call them wed. 19th. staythere, stay out of trouble, and dont do drugs! I’m trying for mental court andshould be done soon if not than 58 more days! either way. I love You! plz show me the same comfort or I’m going to rethink things. IJustdontunderstandwewere doingsogreat!
July 17th 12:01 PM
I wanna apologize to you because I was foolish to believe that anything was your fault. when you rock at night,I realize now that youre hurting. I didnt know that I have been hurting so much! I thought it was an act or cry for attention. I now know how much of an asshole I truly am n I would understand why you would leave me! you are my life, my hopes, my dreams,my desire,my passion n grace for existing.I am so in love with you and wish to spend the rest of my life with U! Marry Me!
July 19th 13:07 PM
got in contact with Jason my brother and he said that Karen said that you were hanging around with your friend Kevin and that you were talking about breaking up with me! why!? when I’m locked up!? and then you dont ake it to visit me!? my heart is breaking and I cant breathe ina jail! I’m itterally feeling like dying. I cant do this with out yu babe “I Will If You Will Babe” remember! You promised you would never leave me! I would never do this to you honey. just keep the rv and my money ILU
July 20 12:25PM
Baby, please come and see me! I’m in agony! I’m crying all day and all night! I cant sleep and its making me crazy! I feel like I’m litterally dying! I cant do this without YOU! Susan! You are my everything please dont leave me, I cant go on breathing without you. I wouldn’t care if you had done the worst thing possible in the world, I still would need you in my life ,by my side as my wife! I want you to know that! I love you so much. please dont become redefined. I will do anything, name it!
July 23rd 16:12PM
My heart has officially withered! I Love You… I guess goodbye.. maybe see you around someday in life! I really wanted a family and a life with you.. I guess you wanted something else.. Sorry I couldnt be that for you. goodbye my love….. I will always think of you. forever and ever babe. “If you will” “I will”.. Love Always! Your A30N! Godspeed Father! Homeward Bound!
JULY 24th 19:14pm
So, Mike from KRC is coming tomorrow to bring in my chemical dependency evail. release form for me to sign so that I can go to treatment tomorrow or Wed. Thats where I will be. BAKE ME A CAKE AND A PIE WITH COOKIES! and I will know that you are true to me and still want to be with me… You said, That when you bake for me, thats how I’ll know that you’re in love. You can bring food to visits there, so go crazy! I would like you to get a bed date too and do this together. I Love You!
July 29th 16:37
Honey, I’m so sorry for trppin’. I’m a nut like you. I finally got my head and heart back.. it feels good to feel things again.although (youre right) once I started crying I couldn’t stop. I wanna marry you babe! and get a job n house n raise a family n do the Appalachian trail one day. I wanna get old with you(tearing up:) I Love You. listen theyre are prolly gonna move me to treatment by the 12or15th.Sign up n go with me n we’ll both get 1500. You prolly get out on the 9th so visit me!ILU!
August 3rd 22:11PM
Hey baby girl, just wanted to let you know that I have been thinkin bout you all the time and I love you sooo much! 😉 church was great and the guy Mark told me he saw you and that you got baptised at Kevin’s church.dont show for that 5pm visit I accepted. It charged me, I’ll just set another visit on mon. for 530 or 6pm, accept those. and the money that you put on is only for my phone and visit. so when you put money on make sure you tell them you want it put on my trust account.K? ILU!
August 4th 16:47pm
Hey babe, If you want me to pay for a visit earlier, like sat. or sun. then cancel mon. 6pm and request a visit for 830pm on mon. tat is how I will know that you need to see me now. if not just wait for mon. after 4pm and then I will except you 6pm visit s that it is free. please try to get some money on my trust account before mon. nite so I can order something to eat. pretty please! my is hungry! very big guy very no food! I Love you soo much n its hard being without you. seperation issues;}
August 5th 22:35PM
I called Jason n Karen .1am oops! gave them my CM # 40023065 and told them washingtonpackages.com or .org 50 pack would be better since I owe a debt. balances of 101.31 so it will deduct a lil money so if you can send me a package before monday night the same way it will be here by saturday.. yeah!! I Love You Soooo Much babylove! I have to lock down now. tommorow k?
August 6th 20:54 PM
I VOW TO YOU, IF IN MY DAYS,DEATH BECOMES CLEAR,I SHALL RETURN IN N ABOUT YOU AS THE SWEETEST OF TEARS,I WILL STRUM DOWN YOUR CHEEKS A BREEZE WHICH WHISPERS FIRST SONG,AND FALL TO YOUR FEET KNEELING HUMBLE AS PALM.YOUR WORD BRINGS ME TO GATHER TOGETHER COMPLETE,AS LIQUID AS WATER MADE WHOLE FROM YOUR PEAKS. IN THIS IS MY VOW,IN WEDDING OUR FEET. ALL SOLES BECOME CLEANSED,BARED NAKED WE FEAST. THIS PROMISE IS TRUTH,AND TRUTH SHALL REPEAT.THIS DAY SHALL WE MARRY THIS PROMISE WE KEEP.I LOVE YOU!
August 6th 21:36 PM
hey, I dont have enough for another payed visit but, I can call you at 10pm or 10:15 tonight. I cant approve your visits for free until after 4pm tommorrow. were you able to figure out the washingtonpackages.com? Did you read the vows I wrote you? I’ll write you more tonite. I love you soo much baby girl! I wish you could speak back to me. I’ll pray about it and maybe someone will come to you with money or work. You are so precious to me sweatheart I’ll call you periodically… K?
August 7th 16:42
I guess since we had a visit on Tues @ 8:30pm,I cant get another free visit until Tues @ 830pm this week or wed. like you were suggesting. we might get locked down @ 7 to 8 so I like to play it safe with 830pm, get ready without interuptions, you know. I miss you so bad! I almost cried lastnight cus ur so adorable being here at the jail visitation for like 5hrs:{ thx for saying hi n that ur there with the 1030pm request! ur sweet! I’ll write more periodically throughout night ~I LOVE YOU BABE~
Sa-La-Vie. The Letters.
Ian My Love,
Waiting for you to call me! Call me! I wanna’ hear your beautiful voice and play you some of the guitar I’ve been practicing. I got your message though, your beautiful poem you got me smiling from ear to ear. Thank you baby.
I went to Church this morning :). It was great, it was so good to see everyone who was there the day I got baptized and meet new people too. I was brave and got up and talked aftre Kevin and Doug told my little story, my introduction, if you will. The story starts with you :). Doug started with how he met you in jail (“he’s huge!” he said) and how you had asked for prayers for your family and for your wife (that’s me!) because you were worried about me having nothing and no one to take care of me in your absence. The story ends of course with my stumbling across their congregation at the waterfront August 2nd. I saw all the food and asked “Uhm, hey, is this like a private thing?” Hahaha, I was HUNGRY. They said I was welcome to join them, and as I stuffed my face I learned they would be doing a baptism and I asked if maybe I could also join that as well. After talking with Kevin, their pastor, we had originally come to the agreement that maybe I should wait.
But after, or rather during, the church service I spoke up and said “No, I really think I wanna do this now”. I swear baby, I could feel God Urging me to speak up–You’d have been so proud of me :)> You’ve taught me so much you know that?
I am so giddy right now, so full of your love. I’m trying to just tell you about the day I got baptized but I am so distracted by my girlish adoration for you and checking for messages, and listening and hoping to hear that danm phone ring
I am such a spoiled brat huh? Aww! You just wrote me another message! Your gonna call me! You are so sweet to me, all explaining you can’t afford another paid visit and praying for me some so I can afford to message you. I can’t wait for your call I am absolutely stupid excited! And yes of course I read your vows, your beautiful poem.
I can’t wait to be able to write back and forth with you. Though it seems God knows there’s no better way to get me to start writing again. So, I think when you get out I better recommit myself to the pen and paper (or keyboard!) again if only to keep you out of jail haha!
😦 Sad face. It’s now 1020pm and still no call. Maybe you had to lock down early, hope not. Really though I am so thankful for two beautiful sweet messages and your picture, my heart is so FULL!
I’m drinking chamomile tea and am fresh out of the shower. Having a cigarette out on the back porch while I write you (and wait by the phone, can’t help it, I’m spoiled and miss your voice!)
I got a really good razor with a bazillion extra blades (men’s thinking of you!) and a huge bottle of coa coa butter lotion, my skin feels amazing. Yeah, yeah make fun–I can’t help but hint a little 🙂 I miss you! I miss your touch.
Okay it’s 1050pm now so I’m giving up on the phone, you must have had to lock down early. That happened a lot to us girls in Pierce County. (We talk too much:))
Wow, I like this pen a lot better. The last one was too fine tipped I hope my handwriting is fairly legible. I can’t seem to break the habit of mixing my cursive and printing (and not even in a consistent manner, see my b’s and l’s) I blame this on my mother :). If I focus too much on my penmanship the flow of my writing suffers so you’ll have to bear with me. Though after all these years I’m sure you’ve become rather fluent in all things “Susie”.
I just reread your messages. 🙂 I love it when you call me “baby girl”. And when you tell me how precious I am to you.
I’m supposed to be writing to you about the day I go baptized–seems I went ahead and got a little off topic. I’m allowed though right? I suppose though if all I ever write to you about is my mushy-gushy girly love stuff it’s bound to get rather repatitve and boring huh? Maybe not? Maybe you love hearing it as much as I love hearing all those sweet words from you.
I can’t tell you how proud of you I am. You’ve barely complained and I know even better now how hard jail is, how BORING. Time is the enemy in there isn’t it? It sure makes this time apart so much easier for me being able to talk with you. And knowing that I’m building a better life for you to come home to.
I want to be the best wife I can be to you. I want you to see how much I cherish you and the gifts of your love I tell everyone all the time I truly do feel like the luckiest woman in the world.
I’m up kinda late, it’s just after midnight now and I’m starting to get sleepy, almost finished with my tea and bed time snack (I’m eating potato chips and chocolate Hershey’s kisses–thus begins the case for exercise–sigh!)
I sure wish you were here. I’m sleeping in my new clean white bra and white cotton panties, my skin feels soft against clean sheets, and I swear I can almost feel your hands. Man, I miss your hands, so big they make all of me feel small.
I’ll finish off this letter tomorrow and try and send it off then or Tuesday, you should be getting my other letter on Tuesday or Wednesday. The goal will be to send you 2-3 a week but of course I’ll be writing you everyday.
I love you baby ❤ ❤ ❤
My Love Mon 8/7/17 1045am
Morning! I’m in the backseat of the car on my way to Bremerton to DSHS to get the $5.00 voucher for my ID :). Made a lot of progress this morning, it’s not even noon yet! I’ve got a dentist appointment for tomorrow @ 10:00am and an appointment with Catholic Community Services for our housing assistance on Weds at 10am. I’ve applied for jobs at the 76 Gas Station, the Albertsons and for an Assistant Manager position at the Rent a Center :). And I’ll be dropping off my application for the Comfort Inn today as well. I’m so excited! Things are coming together really quickly! I am so greatful! I suppose God is well versed in my struggles with my own impatience ha ha.
So Kyle is home today after doing 60 days there in Kitsap County Jail, that’s Frank and Lois’s 18 year old son. So I’m moving into the office and onto the air mattress and then Frank and Lois are going on vacation and I’ll be staying in their room. The it’ll be me their daughter Rita, her husband John and Kyle. This family…my God baby I’m tearing up just at the thought, they have just without question opened their home to me, I mean it’s not like I am a kid anymore I am a woman almost 30 year old and yet I feel like I’ve been welcomed…home. Lois came and told me what a blessing it is to have ME here today and I was floored…me? I can’t believe how much God has done already in our lives in such a short period of time.
Of course the DOL isn’t open today but my dentist appointment is in Bremerton tomorrow so I’ll get the $5 voucher and then go pick up an ID (finally!) tomorrow after the dentist. Hopefully they don’t start pulling all my teeth tomorrow that could make for a rather awkward DL photo.
Oh so apparently KRC does not do court ordered Chemical Dependancy evaluations, I have to go through Westsound and there is a long list of crap that I apparently need to bring into them in order for me to even make the danm appointment.
Ouchie! My tooth hurting again :(. Woke me up in the middle of the night 2 nights in a row now, I think laying down causes sinus pressure and makes it start hurting. Well, I think basically, doing a bunch of meth and letting your teeth rot without even visiting a tooth brush for more than a year basically causes tooth pain…lol. Sa la vie.
to be continued….
Jesus Saved Me and here’s the story…
How do I begin? I am afraid I have lost my voice, though the eloquence I craved this past year is slowly coming back to me. I am a new woman, truly new because I have never in my adult life begin without a chemical filler. And now, absent the pills, the opiates, the amphetamines, absent all man made solutions–I am filled with Lord. It may sound and in fact be cliché, but it is solid truth that Jesus Christ has saved me.
August 1st 2017 I arrived back in Port Orchard, in a state something like a refugee, I didn’t have a plan all I knew was that God had spoken to me clearly and I wanted to go HOME and I wanted to see my husband. A house I do not have but this town has as it’s residents my little girl (though not so little anymore at 13!) and my husband currently in Kitsap County jail, and also it has the beach ha ha. The people and the beauty and familiarity away from city streets, grey horizons and the ever present drugs that make up my world in pierce county made Port Orchard the place I wanted to come home to.
I arrived after a long bus ride filled with tears and strangers who were filled with the Holy Spirit talking me through my fear and anxiety along the way. Have you ever seen that TV show “Joan of Arcadia”? My life and the way I experience the world and God is very much like that now and has been for quite some time. At first I thought I was losing my mind or possibly had simply burnt too many holes in my brain with amphetamines and other drugs. Now I know different and I can’t tell you how relieved I am, though it still is taking some getting used to. My world is suddenly permanently filled with the Supernatural. My eyes are opened.
So anyway, I arrived hungry and tired, to gigantic welcome home party! Well, not really, it was “National Night Out” but there was a big band playing fabulous music and hot dogs and hamburgers free to eat! I was filled with the sense that God was saying “Hey good job kid!”.
I went up to the jail to try and schedule a visit with my husband. I was full of nervous energy. I hadn’t spoken to him since his arrest in Morton WA (AKA the middle of nowhere) and it had been nearly a month at this point in time (felt like even longer) and I was coming to see him empty handed, having once again lost everything we owned pretty much, and with little explaination as to why. I had just spent two weeks in jail myself in Pierce County after having relapsed and lost my mind, I turned myself into the jail because it became clear that I needed to stop what I was doing and try something different because I was incapable it seemed at doing anything but run around in circles exhausting myself and furthering the expansion and depth of the hole I’d dug myself.
I was terrified my husband would be mad. I am an idiot. But I went inside and requested the visit and then proceeded to wait. In the parking lot I spotted an older man with a guitar. I told him it lifted my spirit just to see him there and hear the music. Not long after he came over, he brought me a bible and $20.
Now I am not going to get into a whole lot of detail explaining what happened next because honestly they are foggy in nature in my memory, everything has been happening so fast and every day is so full of miracles and I haven’t, up until now, been writing or keeping much record. So bare with me.
Shortly thereafter the same man with the guitar and another pastor came to talk with me. I explained a little of my circumstances but not much, God already knew anyway of course and it’s through people like this that he speaks to me. They prayed with me and I finally asked Jesus to save me, I confessed I am a sinner and I can’t change anything by myself. Jesus had already come into my life in a BIG way but I had never officially asked him. These men lead me in prayer, they asked to have the addictions lifted from me, to keep me from temptation. I felt instant peace inside.
I’m going to stop here for now. I’ll write again soon about what happened next. And where I am today (spoiler alert: Its a good place!)
New Year
It’s a new day a new year, I’m 3 days into withdrawals off heroine, yes I said that ugly word. From methadone to the street stuff. I have so far failed miserably at being strong willed enough to make it all the way. I don’t have my baby girl and James is threatening to try to take custody. New Years Eve was last night. We are at Courtney’s. Got drunk and all three of us ended up in bed together. I fell asleep. I woke up to Ian pulling me into him and kissing me and Courtney was gone. I dunno what happened while I was passed out. I don’t know how to act. I’m exhausted and sick and I just want him to hold me but he’s laying with Courtney. I’m gonna explode. I’m going to ruin everything. He said last night he doesn’t want to be with anyone. She cut his hair. I cut his hair. I’m tired of so much revolving and depending on him. Does he realize how lucky he is….hey, it’s not all about love..
Happy New Year….
Here’s to new beginings. And to all of you out there in the cold, or fighting yourself and your body to get through one more day without it (whatever your it is), and to the moms who worry they have failed or will fail their kids, to all the people who feel alone and the ones who really are alone…You are special your different your stronger and cut from a whole other breed. It’s not crazy not at all, you are the angels walking this earth, don’t let that light go out, keep going, but I don’t have to tell you that, I know you will. I salute you.
My journal…ink on paper…nothing can replace that paticular art and the satisfaction that putting pen to page brings. It’s often as if the pen is running on ink drawn straight from my overburdened brain. Like some sort of ancient blood letting, the words come out, and with it the hurt, fear, questioning and uncertainty, all the stuff you can’t say out loud, but somehow can commit to paper, a much much more permanent statement, it’s been released and now replaced by brighter imaginings.
Some photos…cuz I miss them 🙂
Falling short, Settling in…
Damien rice cannonball remix by graymata [free download] by GRAYMATA Digital Fusion #np on #SoundCloud
Missing my love tonight a lot. Feeling like I have fallen short, of expectations, and worse, capability. Finding my faith, settling into a love both old and new and dragging myself, and him with his help, out of this mess. There’s a lot to do, and I’ve been hiding. I’m afraid. I keep failing. We keep falling into these terrible stupid traps, if only we had done just that one thing a little differently…
The Atlantis Gene: A Thriller (The Origin Mystery, Book 1)
53% through The Atlantis Gene: A Thriller (The Origin Mystery, Book 1) by Riddle, A.G. on Kindle for Android! http://www.amazon.com/kindleforandroid/
This book is good! It may not he a literary jewel ir “the Great American Novel” but its a wonderfully fast paced imaginative story, it spins together so many complex topics and ideas, history, war, relugion, science, genetics, evolution, mythology, politics and the story takes places across many countrues and continents with vastly different landscapes. Somehow it all fits together into a fabulous thriller, far fetched and a bit cliché at times, it still leaves you with so many questions that it seems impossible the author will ever be able to answer them, which also means its nearly impossible to get ahead of the plot I have no good guess even galf way through the book what the actual plot the bad guys have set in motion and how a handful of subplots and vague chsrscters fit in but I have no doubt that they do and that the conclusion will be a satisying twist albiet probably with a side of agonizing cliff hanger. Lucky for me I’ve already downloaded book two!
Snow and Sex and Feelings.
Ugh. I just wrote a beautiful post but I lost it, accidentally somehow clicked out and ended up on my stats page–I lost all those beautiful words just to be reminded nobody reads all this amazing bullshit I’m so intent on not even writing most of the time. Anyway, it started out with snow, today was our first winter snow, and turned into sex and feelings. Lots of feelings. Danm I hate losing good words, everything poured out in that magical way and there’s just no recreating that ya know. Eh you probably don’t, that’s alright though, I’m gonna go for this again. It became pretty quickly evident that what I really wanted to talk about wasn’t the beauty and quiet of untouched undisturbed snow–though it really is one of my most favorite scenes to open my eyes to, some things never really change between childhood and adult-ness, and that happens to be one of them. What I really wanted to talk about was that guy up there in that photo, my header, that guy. That man. Fuck. I really am okay, that we are just friends, I am, I got friend zoned and it’s cool. He changed me life in the best most wonderful of ways, he was my night and shining armour in so so soooo many ways. He woke me up. I was totally broken and because he lit my soul on fire I got the fuck out of bed, and I went to the mountains, to beaches, I swam in my under wear and played in waves lit up with phosphorus in the dark, I went on long drives and slept in the woods and woke up next to the most beautiful river I have ever seen, I saw colors I’ve never seen before, that inspired paintings and poems, I danced more, I sang in my car, I laughed a lot, I watched shooting stars in the darkest dark, I fell in love and enjoyed every second of it. And when my heart broke a little, I was okay, and better for loving, better for falling, better for risking and doing and seeing. I spent so much time hiding and waiting, waiting to feel better, waiting to feel alive, waiting for something to wake me up. And I stopped writing, I stopped dreaming and feeling and all I was, was sad and tired and empty. I’m awake now, and the world is a big wide gorgeous place again. I’m writing, and painting, and dancing in my kitchen in underwear and an oversized sweater, I drink too much coffee and I even kind like myself. I’ve been having FUN. And although sparks never seemed to ignite for him, the sparks that flew for me were enough to set me on fire. And I think it’s enough to last a good while, nobody is gonna put me out. God the warmth feels good. But I admit, I wish there’d been a chance to see, no to feel, to touch, because I think…I think he could have fucked me like a fantasy, I think his hands (he has great hands) would have gripped my waist and our bodies would have crashed into one another hard and slow, he would have taken me like a man, fuck fireworks it would have been like thunder and lightning, legs tangled and hips rocking, soft skin and the smell of my perfume, his soap and tobacco and I would have slept on his chest in his arms and I don’t think I’d have ever been able to move again. But there is usually little truth in fantasy…however my intuition tends to be quite spot on these days. I wish that there had been a chance for finger tips and lips and warm breath against my neck, time and chance for my fingers to run through his thick grey hair. I used to start day dreaming on my long drives home and get wet, I’ve always had an unusually fantastic imagination. I don’t even have to close my eyes and I can see him smiling, I can feel his lips on mine and tongue teasing mine, warm and soft, his kiss is slow but his hands are hungry and I can’t help but moan a little and his hand is tangled in my long hair, it’s wrapped round his fingers tight at the back of my neck and that gentle tug sends shivers down my back and between my legs…and his chest is firm under my hands, his tee shirt is soft and he smells like Tide, and coffee and tobacco and he tastes the same, minus the soap of course. He holds me so tight, he’s so warm, gives off so much heat the way men tend too and feels so good. When his hands explore under my shirt and under my bra, his big hands cover my small breasts, he smiles at my insecurity and makes me laugh when his head disappears under my shirt, he kisses my soft tummy and tickles and I fake a struggle and he helps me out of my shirt pulling it over my head and arms, I’m still laughing when his warm mouth is suddenly over my nipple and it quiets me in an instant, my breath is gone and I wrap my legs around him and pull him into me. He feels incredible. Better than I could imagine. In this case reality is better than fantasy. I know that we’d fit together and he’d fill me up inside in the most satisfying way. The cumming would not be quick, it would be slow and long and intense my body would be warmed from the inside out, there would be sleep and it would be long and dreamless. See? This wont ever happen and I feel like a terrible friend and naughty bad person for continuing to occasionally think about these things. In truth, he would probably get sick of me and my messiness and liberal agnostic tendencies. And he’s not that attracted me. I can just tell. It’s not as devastating to myself esteem as I thought it would be. But it does sting a bit. And there are certain things that grate on me about him, but mostly I adore him. I’ve at least learned what I want in a man and developed some much higher standards. Alright that’s enough, I’m sitting on the floor in my daughters little nest fort she’s built at the end of my bed and my butt is entirely numb now and my right leg is falling–no IS asleep. Time to get up, smoke a cigarette outside in the freezing snowy cold, watch another episode of Californication and go to bed. Thanks for indulging me and reading my sad attempt at writing that basically turned into some weird emotional smut…haha, it was kinda hot though right? I really don’t have much of a sex drive, but whatever there is of it, he definitely helped wake up. And did I mention…he’s 50. Don’t judge, the man is incredibly handsome, and he knows it too which really quite sexy after dealing with James’s weird girly body image issues–yeah more on that later. Ok gotta get by butt un-numb. Good night Deep Spacers thanks for listening ❤
It’s Thanksgiving. I’m Back.
It’s Thanksgiving. I want to move. I want to DO something. Else. Almost anything else would do. I have a job, with a creepy boss who constantly tries to proposition me to sleep with him for money. He also engages in a lot of other questionable and definitely illegal activities. He pays me cash daily, under the table. I need to get out of there. Its poisoning my brain. I have to admit it’s kind of fun work I like my job and it certainly has character. Does that mean I’m a shitty person. It’s Thanksgiving. My ex slept over, and later talked about him self a bunch, about different girls he’s currently attempting to get in bed, about how great he is and thin he is and yoga and his healthy eating habits. It all kind makes me want to puke and all I do is smile and nod but I am pretty sure my face is giving away my inner disgust but he really doesn’t seem to notice. He thinks I am very supportive and I think he thinks I am still in love with him. I’m not. I like having sex with him sometimes but only because its easy and kind of like a really good meal you’ve had a thousand times before. It’s not really comforting but it can be satisfying. I don’t have the mental or emotional capacity to sleep with someone else right now. Too much crap involved in between that I don’t have time for but I also don’t wanna have a one night stand—maybe I do actually? Nah, I don’t. Anyway, dinner ended after 15min with Garrison farting and my ex talking to his mother in the kitchen, crying, and then leaving in a huff. He’s decided he’s bipolar recently and wants to tell everybody about it. Again I’m sort of disgusted. And again, I wonder, am I shitty person?
DeepSpaceCowgirl 